Containers

Relationship anarchy and energy management

Writing about thoughts swirling in my head as of late (and much too early in the morning) that may not interest many; I don’t expect it to resonate broadly. It’s just that Substack has become my mode of making sense of things these days. You’re welcome.

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I have been pondering a couple sound bites that arrived on the same day, from unrelated sources, but which tie into one another and seem to be speaking to my jumbled nervous system as of late:

“You need a vision. Not a goal. Not a mood board. A real, specific, non-negotiable picture of who you are becoming and what you are building.”

Arnold Schwarzenegger

And this:

“With the Sun exalted in Aries, Jupiter exalted in Cancer, and Venus entering her home sign of Taurus, we’ve got a sky with serious standards. We are redefining who we really are (Sun). We are growing from a deeper place of emotional authority (Jupiter).”

Resident astrological deity and all around badass, Cosmic Sushi

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You see, I developed a vision for myself a few years back, one that I still believe in, but became estranged from several months ago.

It began with a seed from a podcast interview I listened to in a newer community I was exploring, coined as Solo. People preferring personal autonomy over traditional interdependent or codependent relationships.

The topic of discussion was Relationship Anarchy. A term that comes from a manifesto written by Andi Nordgren more than a decade ago. Tenants that support the term have existed much longer, of course.

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Relationship Anarchy in a nutshell:

“(A lifestyle approach) that offers alternatives that emphasize the importance of communal support and care, rather than the codependent perspectives that are frequently encouraged in rule-based relationships - monogamous and polyamorous, alike.”

It’s essentially organizing relationships into containers, without prioritizing one person in a container above another consistently.

It doesn’t mean never prioritizing one person above another, but not as general practice. At least this is how I interpret the concept. Come at me.

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The pieces together - Solo identification + RA - gelled to create a pathway for me then. One that minimized internal anxiety because it gave me boundaries to work within and language to communicate those boundaries.

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Even though I’m not fond of labels, those two seem to align best when paired together.

I am non-monogamous but not polyamorous. There is a clear distinction between the two for me. There is an external governance implied in the latter. I would just as soon return to monogamy if I had to choose between the two, because I am a 1:1 gal at my core.

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I envision the containers as a dartboard. Each ring representing a different sphere, from deepest to most superficial.

The deepest sphere is familial. The next is a mix of my deepest friendships and closest romantic relationships, each offering unique benefits. The next ring might be friends, flirty and platonic, that I appreciate in smaller doses. And so on. In this way, there is a level of hierarchy, but in a community sense. I will always prioritize my family over friendships when focus is required.

Another thing I’ll note is that outside of familial organization, people can move in and out of containers over time. Deep relationships can wane, superficial ones may deepen. I specifically appreciate this element of the structure. It provides a certain energy management strategy for me.

I treasure all established relationships in my life, but the concentration of energy on each person within a container may change, day over day. This approach works for me and I can’t say exactly why. It is simply how my mind, body, heart and spirit operate.

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The concept worked well for me at inception. I managed multiple romantic and platonic relationships with honesty and finesse.

It quelled internal anxiety around what I long thought to be people pleasing (before a friend laughed in my face for expressing the belief), but was really an inner desire to lift spirits and amplify joy in those around me. It has been my lifelong role. I don’t know if it was assigned at birth or I was groomed to fill it and I don’t really care. It is my personal truth. The Solo - RA structure works to support me in these efforts. I can push and pull energy invested in people autonomously to maintain balance.

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Why am I telling you all of this? Because I got a little sloppy in the last eight months. I opened too many doors and started too many threads. Mostly in a romantic sense; regardless, I dropped boundaries all around and as a result, and stopped being able to organize and manage the containers. I spread my energy too far, in too many directions.

My nervous system has taken a toll. My body is physically warning me to halt the mischief and return to basics.

Duly noted, universe.

I have some work to do ahead, but at least I have a vision to return to, one that still suits me.

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I hope by sharing this post with you all, I can go back to sleep before my alarm sounds.

Thanks as, as always, for reading. ❤️(Especially when it gets weird.)

-Melanie